Ba-lesh-qua: the Conquest of Champions
by masterinkblaster
Summary: [Rick/Korblok/Gazorpian, Mr. Poopybutthole/Bird Person, Squanchy] When Rick, Morty and Rick's alien friends get abducted during their guy's night, they get a lot more than they've bargained when they're forced to compete by a perverted alien race in the (sexual) Conquest of Champions, Ba-lesh-qua! A commissioned Rick & Morty story written by an author who wishes to stay anonymous.


Morty Smith was not a happy camper.

"Aww, gee Rick. Do you guys gotta keep throwing your beer cans while I'm trying to drive? Makes it, ya know, _kinda hard to concentrate._ "

The night had started as normal as any other, young Morty had just gotten home from school after yet another boring and uneventful Friday. The teen had barely put his backpack onto the floor of his room when Grandpa Rick had burst in, telling him that night was guy's night. And, lucky him, Morty was going to become a man that night!

All excitement was instantly drained the moment Morty realized he would be playing designated driver to Rick and his alien pals.

Rick, who had been in the middle of chugging down yet another brew when his grandson had started complaining, crushed the can as he proceeded to flick it in the dickbag's general direction.

"No-nobody likes a whiner, Morty. That's not what 'guy night' is all about. If… if I wanted to be n-uuurp- nagged at, I would have brought Summer or something."

There was a snort from the back seat- or what barely passed as the back seat.

"Yeah, can you imagine?" Squanchy chimed in. "Talk about a mood squancher! Man, what a bitch."

Bird Person sat beside him in the back, staring intently out the window. Bird Person did not appreciate being confined in such a small place, a discomfort that Bird Person had stated multiple times during their trip.

Morty snickered a little.

"Yeah, she kinda is, huh? Boy, ya, ya know Rick, this might actually be fun! Just us guys, hanging out, doing, doing guy things, and stuff, ya know, Rick?"

"Yeah, sure, a real -uurp- blast. Now pay attention; we're here."

The ship landed in a large parking lot. The building was large and lit up brightly by harsh, florescent lights. Morty frowned out of the windshield at the hospital looming in front of them.

"Rick, are, are you sure Mr. Poopybutthole is ready for this sort of thing? He is still recovering from, ya know, being shot, and everything..."

"He relearned how to walk, didn't he? He'll be fiiiine. In fact, Morty, I bet… I bet seeing his old buddies is just, just what the doctored ordered." A pause. "And if not, _fuck 'em._ Mr. Poopybutthole needs to get riggidy wrecked, son! _Wooooo_!"

Pulling out his portal gun, the scientist stepped out of the ship and blasted the ray. Hopping through the green tunnel, it didn't take long before he was back- this time with his dear old friend.

"SEE, Morty, your bitch fest was just a waste of breath after all. 'Cuz LOOK WHO'S READY TO PAAAARTAAAAY!"

The little yellow guy Rick was holding up looked surprised, but not unhappy. He grinned and waved to the rest of the passengers.

"Hey guys! A party, huh? Just like old times!"

"Yup!" Rick replied, after the lacklustre greetings from Squanchy and Bird Person, and the genuinely friendly greeting from Morty had been bestowed. "Just like ooold times."

Rick climbed back inside, setting Mr. Poopybutthole between him and Morty up front.

"And awaaay we go! Let's get this urrp- this party bus rollin'!" Rick exclaimed, and the rest of them cheered in excited agreement.

The cheering slowly and awkwardly petered out, and all eyes were on Morty, who was still voicing his excitement at the proposed party.

" _That means you, Morty_." Rick said, giving his grandson an unimpressed stare. "You-you're the party bus driver, see?"

"... Oh! Haha, yeah, sorry Rick. Here, here we go."

And go they did. Minutes later, they were back on course, headed to their party destination.

"Hey, Rick?" Morty asked. Rick grunted as he knocked back another beer, "Uh, I thought Mr. Poopybutthole was in a hospital on Earth... did he get transferred?"

"Nah." Rick shrugged. "That's a little something I like to call a gaping plot hole. It's sort of like a black hole, except it's filled with a lot more bullshit and poor writing."

" _Huh?_ "

"It means stop asking stupid questions." Rick, arm slung around Mr. Poopybutthole, snapped his fingers as if to indicate 'beer me' to the aliens in the backseat. This apparently was a normal enough occurrence, as Squanchy threw two more cans to the front- one automatically going to the recovering patient. Rick was just in the middle of cracking open his beer, when the ship began to shake violently- causing it to spill some onto his lab coat.

"Oh for fuck's sake, Morty, keep the ship steady! I didn't teach you how to fly this thing just, _just to tear the ship apart!_ "

"It, it wasn't me Rick! Honest! I'm having, uh, trouble controlling the ship! It won't let me steer, Rick, it's locked!"

The ship shook violently again, this time sirens going off as different panels began flashing red hues. The scientist threw his can onto the already littered floor, as he smacked away his grandson's hands to get better readings.

"Oh shit, that's because we're in a fucking tractor beam! How the hell, Morty, how the hell did your bad driving get the attention of assholes?!" He turned around, his neck nearly snapping as he squinched his eyes to see just who had caught them. " _Alright, what mother fuckers think they can fuck with mother fucking Sa-uuurp- Sanchez?!_ "

The ship that had somehow snuck up behind them- via some sort of lame cloaking device, no doubt- was so enormous, it blotted out the entire view. The ship continued to shudder and struggle against the powerful beam, and by this point, Rick had shoved Morty out of the way completely, and was now piloting the ship, himself. Or attempting to.

"Oh god!" Squanchy cried. "We're squanched, we are so squanched! I can't go back to prison, I just can't!"

Morty had to quickly grab the frantic feline before he managed to pry open the ship's door, which would likely have killed them all.

"Oh man, Rick, this is bad! What, what do we do!"

"Everything's gonna be alright!" coaxed Mr. Poopybutthole. "We're together, aren't we? We'll pull through this just fine..."

"Bird Person will do what he can to protect his friends!" Bird Person attempted to unfold his wings, but there was no room. He tried standing, to no avail. "Bird Person appears to be stuck."

"Shit, shit, shit!" Rick began, a sort of mantra it seemed for a while. "Shut up, all of you! _I can't think!_ "

But there wasn't much more thinking to be done; they were boned. Nothing he tried did a thing to loosen them from the beam, and their ship drew closer and closer.

One by one, the flashing lights winked out. The ship's engine began making some rather troubling noises. A voice, a feminine voice that had been installed by Rick himself, gave its final warning.

"Warning. Engine failing. Warning. Goodbye."

And with that they were dead in space- all the power was gone and they had no more defenses against what was to come. Rick crossed his arms as he grunted, slouching into his seat as his grandson and friends began to panic. Luckily for him, he didn't have to hear their bitching for long before they were surrounded by a flash of light as they were teleported from their ship- officially captured.

Being locked in a cage was, Morty had decided then and there, one of his least favorite things. It was cramped, his body being scrunched into an uncomfortable ball as he felt more like a trapped canary than a 14 year old boy. Though, despite all this discomfort- and the growing sense of claustrophobia and a new founded fear of heights- none of that compared to his dread of being separated from his grandfather- the old man and friends being trapped in one large cage on the ground.

"R-riiick… Just, what's going on, man? What do they want from us?!"

Rick, more pissed off than scared it seemed, glared as he patted his coat pockets.

"Those mother fuckers took my teleporter AND my booze!"

"RICK!"

"Oh, would you shut the hell up, Morty?" The old man finally addressed his grandson, as he bent over to check to see if any of his weapons attached to his legs were confiscated as well. "It's, it's not all about you, ya know. Some of us got our own problems. I'm getting sober by the second!"

There was a pause.

"Also, to answer your question, we're on a Huntravian Slave ship. Dudes operate in the sex trade. Probably gonna sell your fine boy ass to some king or something. I hope you like the rape train, because you just became the number one passenger."

Morty, understandably, began to freak out- his cage swinging as he tried to escape.

"OH GEEZE! I, I DON'T WANNA BE RAPED, RICK!"

"Pfft, nobody LIKES to be raped, Morty. It was more a rhetorical statement, ya dumbass."

On the other side of the cage, which was mercifully larger than the one Morty was currently being held inside, Squanchy paced back and forth frantically, while Bird Person sat huddled in the corner, his knees drawn up against his chest.

"Oh man, not good, not good!" the feline-like animal whined, pulling at his ears. "I knew it, it's prison all over again!"

"Bird Person is also uncomfortable with this turn of events. Is there nothing we can do?"

Sensing the tension in the cage wasn't hard- and Rick was making it clear he wasn't in the mood for their whining. Before the old man could explode, Mr. Poopybutthole decided to try and clear the air the best he could.

"Don't worry, guys! We've been through tougher times than this, haven't we? No one's gonna get raped, if we work together, we'll find a way out of this!"

Surprisingly, this seemed to do the trick. Squanchy stopped pacing, and Rick actually smiled.

"You always know just what to say, Mr. Poopybutthole. You heard the man, we need a plan. Now shut your pie holes so I can think of one."

He didn't have a whole lot of time to think, however, before the doors on the far side of the room slid open, and two rather burly guards, carrying some sort of sceptres, entered. After them was a lanky lizard-like fellow wearing a large hat and carrying an electronic clipboard in one of his sets of hands. The alien mumbled to himself as he touched the screen, scrolling through his orders before stopping in front of the cage with the four adults. He hummed to himself in understanding before shutting off the device, looking the group in the eyes.

"Alrighty then, it seems you four are free to go. Sorry for the inconvenience, but you know how it is when your mother-queen gives orders. _Am I right?_ "

Rick actually found himself silent from the unexpected turn of events, before a smile broke out on his face- just as the alien in charge placed his hand onto the security system, the cage opening.

"Well THAT was easier than I thought. See, guys, nothing to worry about." The grandfather paused as he crossed his arms over his chest, addressing the Huntravian. "So I guess I'll be taking back my teleporter and booze?"

"HEY, what about me?!" Morty cried from his cage. "Kinda more important than, than that stuff, right?"

Rick rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, alright, _whatever_. Yeah, and my dumbass grandson too, _I suppose._ "

The huntravian raised a brow at this, as he took out his clipboard once more.

"Yeah, no, sorry- but I was only instructed to release you guys. We didn't realize you were over the desirable age when we captured you. The boy, however, is ripe and the mother-queen is very pleased to add him to the rest of the cattle." The alien paused as he smiled. "Congrats, you have a very sexy grandson!"

Rick momentarily ignored the sounds of distress that arose from the tiny cage above, and the frantic cries for help.

"Well... this was fun! See you jerks later." Squanchy was about to head on out, but was stopped when Rick stomped on his tail.

"Yeowch! What the hell, man?!"

"Yeah, here's the thing..." Rick told the lizard man. "If I go home without the kid, his parents are gonna be super pissed. So uh... how much for the kid?"

The reptilian man shook his head, and shrugged.

"Sorry, the boy's been bought and paid for. You'll have to leave, sir."

Rick sighed loudly, and groaned.

"Fine, I get your angle. I'll pay double. Just name your price so we can get the hell out of here."

"No, you don't understand…" The alien spoke slowly, as if he thought the human was mentally retarded (and by his species standards, he probably DID). "We. Can't. _Sell_. Him. The young one has been specially selected for the prize of tonight's ba-lesh-qua- the conquest of champions! Honestly, the only way you'd be able to get him back by this point is if you entered yourselves."

Rick's eye momentarily twitched, as he instinctively went to his pocket to find his 'turn people to snakes' ray gun. He swore to himself as he remembered that everything on him had been confiscated, as he groaned in frustration.

"Jesus, why does everything have to be so fuckin' difficult with you, Morty," the man accused, before putting his attention back on the lizard-man. "Alright. We'll, we'll play your stupid game. Where do we sign up?"

The lizard man looked surprised, as he eyed the three aliens in front of him.

"Eh... seriously? Well, alright." He went back to his pad, tapping on it for a moment before handing it to Rick, along with a pen of some sort. "There ya go, just sign your names here, here, and here."

Rick mumbled and grumbled to himself as he signed his name, and handed it off to Bird Person, who gave the pad a scrutinizing stare.

"Hmmm. And what will we be expected to become champions of, exactly?" he questioned.

"Sex, Bird Person." Rick replied, bluntly, clearly exasperated with the whole situation. "It's always about sex with these sickos."

"... I see." Bird Person replied simply, and scrawled his name, and handed it off to Squanchy.

"Sex? Hah! I got this one in the bag." Squanchy signed his name, then passed it to Mr. Poopybutthole before handing the pad back to the lizard man, who read over it quickly and nodded.

"Alright, fantastic. Now if you'll just follow these gentlemen" he nodded toward the two guards. "they'll get you all set up."

Rick and the others began to follow the guards towards the door- when the cries from the Morty cage caused the grandpa to stop in his tracks.

"But… But Rick! What, what about ME?!"

The old man shrugged his shoulders.

"Eh, don't worry 'bout it. Just hang around for a bit, or whatever other horribly insensitive pun will make you feel better. I honestly don't give a fuck."

Giving a final salute, Rick was the last to leave the room- leaving Morty feel completely and totally boned. And it was just what he was afraid would happen if his grandpa didn't win.

Rick Sanchez had to admit… this wasn't the first time he had been forced into a loincloth in preparation for battle- and he had a feeling it wouldn't be the last. Not that it bothered him, at least, not being stripped down. He was more annoyed that he was wasting time- and that after asking around he still had no answers about retrieving his flask and science apparatuses. Not only weren't those cheap… but it was his stuff, man.

And being sober was never a fun state to be in.

Rick threw a bored glance over to his pals. He genuinely wasn't surprised that both Bird Person and Squanchy were totally fine with their new attire- the cat alien was usually naked and Bird Person wore stuff like that all the time. It was his shtick. He did, however, raise a brow as Mr. Poopybutthole looked far more nervous than he had seen him in a while.

"Hey, uh… you okay? Not, not chickening out on me are you Mr. Poopybutthole?"

The little guy actually flinched a little when he was spoken to, then smiled up at Rick, politely.

"No way! I'm here for you 'til the very end, Rick." He assured. His smile slipped, and he glanced away. "Just a little nervous, I guess. I never thought my first time would take place in front of a large audience."

"You're a virgin?" Squanchy snickered, overhearing their conversation. Which wasn't hard, considering they were three feet away. "That's just squanchin' sad, man."

"I, too, know the pain of the dry season." Bird Person offered. Poopybutthole slumped and hung his head in shame. Rick bent down, and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"There, there. Yeah, that is pretty lame, but so what? I mean, talk about an exciting first time, ah?" he nudged his little friend with his elbow, playfully. Mr. Poopybutthole forced a smile, and forced out a laugh that was equally fake.

"Heh heh, yeah, you're right, Rick."

They didn't have much time to help out their pal any, before the doors of the dark room they had been waiting in loudly opened- seeping in light bright enough to make the lot cringe. Roaring and cheering could be heard coming from the bright light, and the group of friends found themselves surrounded by it as they walked into it. After their eyes adjusted, they finally saw where they were- at the bottom entrance of a large coliseum like structure. In the stands were a mix of huntravians and other species that Rick had met along his travels through space. Rick scrunched his eyes so he could see better, as he looked around- noticing that other aliens were also coming out of holes just like they had. It intrigued him to see a mix of genderless and feminine aliens mixed in with the obvious male creatures.

"Huh… they must have gotten a new mother-queen with more liberal politics- usually this place is a total sausage fest."

A voice booming over the overhead loud speakers was the only reply he got.

"WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, LADIES, GENTS, FLORGRAS, AND BULKERS, TO THE ANNUAL BA-LESH-QUA, THE CONQUEST OF CHAMPIONS!"

The speaker paused as the crowd cheered, excitably. When they had died down, it continued.

"DURING THIS EVENT, OUR CHALLENGERS WILL BE COMPETING FOR THIS HANDSOME, YOUNG SPECIMEN."

The audience oooh'd and ahhh'd as a small cage descended from the high ceiling. It stopped about fifteen yards above the arena, and the arena's occupants eyed it, hungrily.

"CONTESTANTS! PAIR OFF AND PREPARE FOR OUR FIRST EVENT!"

Large guards, very much like the ones that had led the gang of mismatch friends to the arena, entered the sex pit as they began going through the challengers and pairing them off. Rick wasn't surprised when he was grabbed and led through the alien wannabe-jamboree, as his other pals were also grabbed and split up. Mr. Poopybutthole found himself shaking nervously as he let out a small groan of distress as he was led towards a large alien that looked like what humans could only call 'a reverse merman'. The large fish man towered over the much smaller alien, and Mr. Poopybutthole could see just from the man's loincloth that he wasn't lacking in size in other areas either.

' _Oh dear lord,'_ PBH cried in his head, sweating from trepidations. _'I'm going to die! This is how I go, my virginity being ripped from my anus!'_

"H-hi?" The yellow alien waved, his voice cracking. Mr. Poopybutthole couldn't tell what the fishman was thinking, as his eyes were void and expressionless- as well as looking in two different directions.

But luckily for him, he didn't need to know as a familiar figure swiftly flew in front of him, using his wings to shield PBH as Bird Person addressed the guard.

"Bird Person wishes to engage in the mating ritual with the small one. Is this permissible towards the rules of the challenge?"

The guard gave a noncommittal grunt and moved on. Bird Person shifted his eyes down to his small friend.

"Bird Person will see to it that your first time is... pleasurable."

Mr. Poopybutthole smiled and shifted his own gaze elsewhere, thanking him even through his embarrassed flush.

Meanwhile, Squanchy eyed his opponent, a heavyset fellow with yellow, scaly skin, two sets of arms, a pig nose, and a spiky purple Mohawk.

"Pfft! You don't look so tough." Squanchy challenged. The pig-creature smirked, and pulled aside his loincloth. What Squanchy saw made him whimper. "Then again..."

Rick stared at his opponent, and it stared back. What was this? Some sort of karma bullshit? Some kind of divine revenge for the thing he had once held captive in his lab? The slug body of the korblok slithered their way closer, making gurgling noises. Rick rolled his eyes, his universal translator picking up what most humans wouldn't understand.

"Yeah, well, you're not that pretty to look at either pal. At least my testicles don't dangle from my face."

The korblok glared back, thrashing their tail against the ground. Sanchez laughed, squatting some as he got into an attack position of his own.

"Oh, you want some of this? Kill you or fuck you, you're, you're goin' DOWN son. EARTH MAN REPRESENT!"

A horn blast went off, signaling the games had begun.

The loincloths came off, and the pit became a writhing stage of sexual combat. Above, Morty wailed in fear and horror at what he was witnessing.

The pigthing snorted, and took a heavy step toward Squanchy, who backed away from its advance instead of jumping in there. The pig man snickered unkindly and continued to advance, a chubby belly bouncing above a nine inch erection.

It wasn't long before the frazzled feline ran out of backing up space, and he felt the pit's wall against his back. Well, it looked like it was do or die.

Probably both, by the looks of it.

"Okay..." Squanchy said, his voice sounding as terrified as he felt. He couldn't take his eyes off of that throbbing member staring him in the large yellow girth looking more like another alien creature entirely. "You may have me beat in size... but no one's ever beaten me at squanching!"

The pig man's cruel grin fell, and he regarded his opponent with a blank stare.

"...Uh... masturbation, ya know?"

That seemed to be enough for the swine to understand, as he glared again and gave a few grunts. Squanchy, surprisingly fluent in alien snorts and grunts, looked up coyly at his opponent- his hand already grabbing onto his own slightly erect sausage-like member as he tempted the beast.

"Oh yeah? I dunno… I still think I can beat ya there, pal. How about putting your money where your squanch is? First one to squanch themselves to a cum-attack loses."

Squanchy sighed in relief as his opponent plopped himself onto the ground, legs spread out wide as he put a hand onto his own dick. He nodded his head, gesturing for the cat-alien to sit with him so that could show that he truly was much better than Squanchy at jacking off.

"Luckily for me, "Squanchy mumbled to himself as he sat down," this guy ain't so bright. Hook, line, and squancher."

However, as Squanchy watched his piggy opponent go to work on his own member, he realized that this fellow was no stranger to the masturbation game, himself. But he also didn't seem to understand the concept of holding out, either; the hand on the pigman's cock slid up and down it as a considerable speed already.

And watching that hand work that enormous dong was making Squanchy feel a little too flustered a little too soon, as well. He quickly shifted his gaze away, but that had given him an idea. A sly smirk flickered across his face, then was gone.

"Ohhh..." Squanchy moaned, tossing his head back as he worked his fuzzy hand over his pale pink member. He opened an eye to peek at his opponent to see if this had the desired effect. He was definitely being watched. Good- let big, bad and ugly enjoy his little performance. It's what he wanted, after all. The cat alien, on top of moaning more than a hot chick in a porno, also began to slightly buck his hips every time his hand pumped down on his shaft- leaving what little chub he had jiggle in the process along with him.

Squanchy smirked coyly as he heard the thwacking from his opponent speed up, added with a deep guttural grunt of satisfaction. He also speed up his speed some, being careful not to grip as hard as he would have liked- Squanchy was trying to win, not squanch himself into defeat, after all. His tail flicked as he licked his lips, purring some as he let his other hand snake its way down to his testicles- giving the boys some much needed attention.

This was mostly for show, of course, but it did feel nice to fondle his fuzzy sack. Squanchy never would have thought that his near inability to cum unless he was being choked would actually ever play in his favor. And yet, here he was.

His piggy friend seemed to be having no problem getting with it, though. Squanchy felt that old familiar swell of pride as he watched the pig's glistening, dark orange tip being to drool a pale green precum.

"Ohhh, you like that, hmm?" he teased, biting his lower lip and giving an extra thrust. "Yeah, I can tell, you-" his teasing ended as his opponent grunted one more time, coating Squanchy's face and chest with sticky victory.

Two guards hauled the pigman away, taking full advantage of his immediate afterglow stupor. Squanchy was too busy standing here, a sticky mess, and a disgusted look on his face, to gloat over his win. This was going to take hours to clean off later!

A tap on his shoulder had him spinning around, face to face with his next opponent. He sighed, and slumped. This was going to be a long day.

Morty watched from above, in his cage, eyes wide as he took in the fact that contestants were dropping like flies. He had no idea where they were being carted off to, nor did he care- he just wished he could actually close his eyes at all. But, like all horrible traumas that you later have to use years of therapy to try and get over, he just couldn't look away.

Which was when his eyes found Mr. Poopybutthole and Bird Person in the tangled mess of limbs.

Mr. Poopybutthole wasn't sure which surprised him more; that Bird Person's member actually fit in his mouth, or the fact he was getting turned on by sucking on it.

The member he was currently giving his attention to was likely an inch and a half wide at its base. It tapered off to a dull point at the end of its seven inches, and had layered ridges along its shaft. Soft downy feathers dusted Bird Person's groin, and Mr. Poopybutthole was enjoying running his fingers over them.

"Friend," Poopybutthole glanced up as he was spoken to, but didn't remove his mouth from his dick. "do you need release as well? Bird Person will gladly offer up his anus to you."

"O-oh," Mr. Poopybutthole, once he removed himself from his companion's member, spoke in a quivering voice. However, he smiled at the offer. "Well, sure! I would really appreciate that, pal. But are you sure you're okay with it? I don't want to be a bother..."

"It would not be the first time Bird Person has experienced the enjoyment of penetration, and Bird Person would gladly enjoy it again if you would desire it."

And desire Mr. Poopybutthole did, as he could feel his dick throb at the invite. The small Twinkie-like alien gulped.

"I-, yes. Yes _please_ , then."

It was always important to remember one's manners. Momma Poopybutthole didn't raise a fool.

Bird Person nodded, before getting on his knees. He made sure to spread his wings in such a manner so as his entrance wouldn't be covered. PBH got onto his feet as he came closer to his friend- putting one hand lightly onto Bird Person's pale hip. With his other hand he grabbed onto his yellow girth, his member as soft and pudgy as the rest of his body. Mr. Poopybutthole became worried once more when a thought dawned on him.

"Wait, am I supposed to just put it in there? I have no lube. Won't this hurt?"

Bird Person shrugged.

"It is a possibility, yes. But do not fear, small one, Bird Person is strong and willing."

"Well, okay, if you're sure..."

Poopybutthole shivered slightly as he pressed his cocktip to his friend's puckered entrance. When Bird Person made no move or sign to stop him, he took a deep breath, shut his eyes tightly, and thrust his hips forward with everything he could muster.

Bird Person let out a choked grunt, and Poopybutthole's eyes shot open in worry.

"Oh! Oh my goodness, did I hurt you?"

"Not at all." Bird Person's voice was strained, but Poopybutthole could already feel his friend's anal walls unclenching a little from around his member. "You are doing... well."

"Should I...uh, should I start…?" The smaller alien trailed off, not exactly sure how to word his question. Bird Person, however, understood as he nodded. PBH took a deep breath, his excitement causing the butterflies in his stomach to flutter wildly. Yet, nervous or not, Mr. Poopybutthole moved his hips backwards- pulling out enough so just his head remained. And just as quickly as he pulled out, he thrusted himself back in- enjoying the slight clinch Bird Person's entrance gave him. Not hearing any complaints, the Twinkie-esque alien repeated the actions, gaining speed and enthusiasm with each thrust.

Bird Person didn't think that his friend would be large enough to reach his sensitive spot, and he had been wrong. Pressure was building slowly with each thrust, and something primal within the avian being was telling him the goal was near. He could feel Poopybutthole's sack slapping just below his entrance. His right hand went to his own leaking member to squeeze it, stroke it, and help things along.

Soon the grunts turned into panting and moaning and, in Poopybutthole's case, a little bit of whimpering. His thrusts had lost their rhythm, signifying his own release was nearing.

"Hnnn... Bird Person, I, ...I think I'm...getting close..."

"It is fine." Bird Person replied shortly, feeling words were unnecessary now, but appreciating the warning just the same. The avian-humanoid felt a pleasurable shiver go up his spine as PBH's hands gripped his sides tighter. While not claws like the people from his own planet, he was surprised by the strength his small friend had. Bird person speed up his own jerking hand to meet the erratic pace of Poopybutthole's- kneading his shaft just under his pointed head. The ridges were like stroking a güiro- his own music being his grunts and Mr. Poopybutthole's groans. Faster and faster, in and out the pudgy girth hit and aimed Bird Person's pleasure center. The pressure was building, maddenly so, and Bird person couldn't help but wish his small friend would preen and nip at his neck.

It wasn't much longer before Bird Person hit his climax, his seed spilled on the arena floor in three generous squirts. Through his afterglow haze, he was dimly aware of his partner crying out, and the all-too familiar sensation of warm, sticky fluid on his lower back. He was also dimly aware that his behind was going to be sore for quite awhile after this event.

Unfortunately, there was no time for pillow talk, as two guards immediately stepped up to grab them, and began hauling them away.

"Ummm..." Mr. Poopybutthole began. "I think we might have missed the purpose of this tournament..."

"It would appear so." Bird Person agreed, as they were dragged away.

The two being dragged off, however, went completely unnoticed on the other side of the sex pit, where Rick Sanchez had been busy wrestling his opponent more than doing anything close to sexual intercourse. The Korblok may have been a bigger being, but they were certainly not stronger. The Korblok was on the ground, their penis tail thrashing about wildly as they did their best to _literally_ penetrate the human.

But Rick was having none of that bullshit.

Now straddling the monstrosity, his penis- erect due to adrenaline more than arousal- seemed to point threateningly. A tangle of pale blue-grey hair covered his groin, his sack rested comfortably on the beast's slick underbelly.

Rick may not have been a spring chicken, but his reflexes were still pretty impressive. Especially in those rare moments when he was sober, which by now, he regrettably was. As the deadly penis tail dove back down, aiming for Rick's neck, his arm shot out and he grabbed it in his fist.

The korblok shrieked as Rick's fingers bore into his fleshy appendage, and the shrieks grew louder, more intense, as the human plunged his own dicktail into his stomach.

The creature under Rick stopped struggling, but it was far from dead, or even seriously injured. No, the toxins within that stinger served as both a sedative and an aphrodisiac.

Rick yanked the spent tail out from the korblok's soft underside, tossing it over his shoulder like an empty beer can, and positioned himself, before thrusting his throbbing member deep into the hole.

He could faintly hear Morty crying out in disgust and horror above him, not even the roaring crowd could block him out completely.

"Don't worry, Morty." He shouted, even as he began pumping in and out of the thing. "Thi- this may look brutal and barbaric, but this is how these weirdos do it. Trust me, Morty, he's loving this. "

And happy the giant slug-creature was, as gurgling noises came out from their testicle looking mouth. The Korblok lazily moved their tail from side to side as Rick continued to go wild on their stomach. In all honesty, while he enjoyed the warmth of the korblok's insides, they were too soft for Rick's liking, there was no firmness to it, and it was more like sticking his dick into a bowl of jello. Hypothetically speaking, of course- Sanchez may have been a sick mother fucker in his own right, but dessert fucker was not up there on his list. That said, Rick had to constantly make sure his manhood kept its long length and firmness despite not actually enjoying the experience. He needed the bitch under him to hurry up and cream so he could rescue his grandson and go home already.

No way in hell was he going to miss his shows, and that dumbass husband of Beth's had a habit of 'accidentally' erasing the DVR.

The tail penis rising up behind Rick went unnoticed by him, but not by Morty.

"Grandpa Rick, w-watch out!" he cried, simultaneously trying to shield his own vision. But his grandpa didn't seem to hear him. "Rick!"

Fortunately for both of them, the stinger was no longer a threat, and what shot out of it was far from deadly. Rick scowled as he felt the warm liquid drench the back of his head, and he immediately leapt up off of his opponent, a hand reaching up to the back of his head out of reflex, feeling the goo that now drenched his hair.

"Really, you asshole, in my hair?" he scolded, as the korblok was being taken away. He did his best to flick off the goo on his hand.

Rick, however, didn't get time to stew in his annoyance as roaring caused him to jerk his head towards the beastly sound. What he saw was a male Gazorpian- not any different from any of the others he had run into, he supposed- currently grasping a much smaller alien upside down as it sucked on his enormous, throbbing red dick. This alien had pale white skin, and while not very tall- It wasn't much taller than Morty, Rick found himself noting before quickly shaking away the thought- its heavy bulk more than made up for it. Its muscular arms grasped the Gazorpian's hips, while two sets of smaller, insect-like appendages helped brace himself against the larger alien's stomach. The small guy squeaked in happy pleasure as the Gazorpian began hungrily sucking on his much smaller but still chubby cock. Rick couldn't help but think the guy must have been crazy to let his private area anywhere NEAR that thing's mouth. In any moment he could chop down- _and goodbye penis._

But that concern went unnoticed as the white alien was quick to cream himself, the Gazorpian's sucking must have been far too much for him to handle as it didn't take more than a few extra thrusts into his mouth before he was spent. The red alien swallowed down the cum in one gulp, as he spit out the member in his mouth to growl in anger. No, it was obvious the creature was furious that his challenger had succumbed before he was finished with him. And Rick actually found himself flinching away as the Gazorpian began violently thrusting the bug-man onto his junk. The small alien gags were loud even through the noise of the crowd.

"Oh god," Sanchez uttered to himself in horror, "he's gonna fuck that guy to death!"

Even as Rick's prediction came true, and the smaller alien stopped moving, the Gazorpian kept thrusting into the corpse's mouth. It took six Huntravian guards to pry the dead body away from the guy, and then Rick realized with horror that they were now leading the red monstrosity to HIM.

"Woah woah, no- fuck that, time out here! I, I'm not going up against THAT thing! Morty, you're on your own here. I fucked a slug for you, I DID my grandpa duties. RICK OUT!"

"What?! Riiiiiick! You, you can't leave me here! What the hell! I-if you think he'll rip you apart, what do you think he's gonna do to me, huh?"

This caused Rick to stop dead in his march to the supposed exit, and turn back around, but not from any amount of remorse.

"There you go again, Morty, making it alll about you. I-is that some sort of thing you do now? Huh, is, is that your thing? Well let me tell you right now, Morty; sometimes life gives you lemons, and, and sometimes, you get handed off to some murderous monstrosity to do hell-knows what to you. You know what that is, Morty? That's life!"

"Oh yeah? Well, well how about I didn't even want to come along on this stupid guy night with you and your stupid friends to begin with, huh? How about that? It's not MY fault we got-"

"Oh no, it's never your fault, is it!"

It was then that their argument became muddled, each trying their best to yell over the other. The audience had fallen mostly silent, as they watched the argument unfold. Even the Gazorpian had stopped its advancement toward Rick, and stood there, staring, utterly confused.

This gave the guards time enough to shove the pale, thin old man with great force toward the beast, and Sanchez collided with the thing's considerable gut.

As well as stabbed by the Gazorpian's throbbing and thick red member.

The next thing the human knew, he was grabbed and thrown onto the ground. Rick momentarily blacked out as his head came in contact, his dazed mind only vaguely aware that his legs were now spread widely apart and a hand on his throat- pinning him down. It was also in that moment as the dick loomed over him - one that would shame any large endowed black guy- that Rick realized one very important thing…

 _There was no lube._

It was apparent that lubrication wasn't on this barbaric monster's priority list. Which was understandable; upon the disassembly and examination of Morty's little sex robot, he had discovered lubrication dispensers in the vaginal area. These things weren't used to needing the stuff. Which didn't spell a good time for Rick.

After some awkward positioning from the Gazorpian, he apparently decided that this angle wasn't going to work. The beefy hands clamped around Rick's lower legs remained, and the thing's upper arms came down and grabbed Rick's wrists. Rick was then lifted off the ground, now spread eagle in front of his opponent, helpless, naked, and suspended over a dick much too large and dry to fit inside of him comfortably.

The Gazorpian brought him to face-to-face level, and smiled cruelly. Rick scowled back.

"It isn't gonna fit. You know that, right? It's basic physics, you'd have to be a complete moron to-"

Rick's physics lesson was cut short as Rick was brought down, and thanks to the force of four heavily muscled arms, impaled through the ass hole to the hilt.

Rick didn't scream, so much as made a sound akin to the sound someone makes after they've been kicked in the balls. His eyes grew wide and distant as searing pain tore through his guts. Admittedly he had felt worse, but the current situation could easily be in his top five 'OH JESUS THIS HURTS LIKE HELL' moments.

Not that this mattered any to the Gazorpian, as he continued with his pursuit of his own primal pleasure. The large ape-like face panted as the beast pulled out some just to slam his dick inside the scientist yet again. And again, and again. It didn't take long for the Gazorpian to create a rhythm, as Rick rode the enormous cock up and down. Rick would be bruised where the alien grabbed onto his wrists and ankles, but the discomfort was not registered in his brain at that moment as the pressure inside him was a much more pressing matter. While pain was most certainly felt as the thick member rubbed his anal wall raw, the Gazorpian was hitting his prostate with every single thrust. Sanchez gasped as he was slammed down again, his own dick twitching from the collision. With the Gazorpian hitting the invisible bullseye every time, it didn't take long for the human's body to start reacting.

The harder Rick grew, the more his hope shrank. What were even his chances of winning this stupid tournament? He had to know. Through a thick, dizzy fog, Rick craned his neck to scan the sex pit. When he saw that it was now empty, save for them, when he saw that the vast crowd was now cheering for them and only them, enough of his vigor returned to lift the fog.

The thing pounding him gave a low, guttural chuckle. Rick's eyes shot up, sharply, glaring at him with a glint in his eye.

"You sonuvabitch. You want Rick? Then take it! Take it all, you pansy ass!"

The next time the Gazorpian thrust, Rick slammed his own hips down to greet him. The beast grunted in pleasure, but the jolt of heat it caused in Rick made him rethink this decision.

'Quick, Rick, think of something completely unsexy!' Rick thought to himself, in a panic. Multiple horrible things raced across his mind, nothing quite being terrible enough to wilt his willy. That was, until an image of a nude Jerry sprung up.

"Oh, uhg!" Rick felt his stomach churn, and felt the heat in his groin lessen. That was the ticket! Unfortunately.

So that was the game plan. Every time the red devil of a beast slammed Rick down onto the large member, Rick fought with a new mental image of his lame ass son-in-law. Up. Down. Jerry in a speedo. Up. Down. Jerry dressed as a leather daddy. Up. Down. Jerry bent over a table, ass hung out, licking his lips and begging for- okay, **NO**. Where the hell had the last thought even COME from?! If he wasn't an alcoholic before, the need to drink away that horrifying mental image was enough to make him one.

The scientist noted that the creature was speeding up, their thrusting becoming more erratic as the Gazorpian gave a chain of grunts. Oh, the creature was close. Rick didn't need to be a genius to tell that- though it didn't hurt. This gave Sanchez the needed umph of determination as he began enticing the thing.

"Hey ass face, you, you know you- _uhn_ \- you like it! Come on and cream already!"

If his opponent had begun this tournament with hopes of winning, he showed no sign of caring about that now. The hands holding Rick's wrists let go, and slid down to grasp his midsection, instead. With his improved grip and leverage, the dick slamming into Rick's ass increased in both speed and force, and if this thing didn't finish soon, Rick realized with dawning horror that he would.

Just when Rick thought for sure this was the end, just as he thought his dam was going to break, he received an enema of sorts that drove him back to reality , when the Gazorpian cock erupted thick goop into his anal cavity, howling his pleasure across the arena. The next thing he knew, the thing's grip was gone, and they were both falling to the arena floor.

Rick struggled to his feet, stumbled once, but caught himself. He squinted through the bright lights on him, at the crowd, which was full of people cheering. He raised an arm to shield his eyes from the glare, and watched the once fearsome Gazorpian being dragged away. Rick smiled wide, and thrust both fists into the air in victory, globs of Gazorpian cum running from his ass, down his thighs.

"Fuck yeah, mother fuckers! That's right- RICK WINS, BIZZNATCHES!"

While his ass was burning up a storm, and semen gushed from him like a waterfall of sin, Rick couldn't help but dance in place from his victory. The scientist rarely needed an excuse to get his boogie on, but his own ego just LOVED to gloat and rub it in others faces. It was while he was pelvic thrusting the air that the old man heard an annoying screech over the crowds cheering.

"RIIIICK," his grandson whined from his Morty cage. "Like, can you, you just NOT- I mean, c'mon man! Get me outta here!"

"Ya know, Morty, you are such a buzzkill. You know that? Grandpa just saved you from the assraping of a lifetime, and you can't even let me soak in the glory a lil'? Jesus CHRIST, Morty!"

It was with a grump that Rick pointed to the announcer Huntravian that loomed just over the arena, safe in their box, as he shouted up to them.

"YO, where's my stuff?! Bring me the supple boy!"

Not to mention his booze, ship, guns, and buds.

The intercom crackled to life, and the announcer's voice carried over the cheering crowd.

"YES, IT APPEARS WE HAVE A WINNER! CONGRATULATIONS, RICK SANCHEZ FROM EARTH! THIS YEAR'S VICTORY, AND SPOILS, GO TO YOU."

The cage lowered, slowly, to the ground, and once it had reached it, the top sprung open. Morty popped up through the top at once, gasping for air; a little dramatically, Rick thought.

"Hey-hey! Look who came through once again, huh, Morty? How about giving your ol' grandpa a big ol' hug for saving your ass?"

"Oh, gross, Rick, come on, you're, you're all naked, and sticky. Let's just get out of here, huh?"

"Yeah, sure."

The two walked together, out of the arena, the crowd still cheering for them as they left. The Huntravians led them back to the alien locker room that they had started in, this time filled with all the contestants that lost (but were still living)- though luckily the Gazorpian was nowhere to be seen. Some congratulated the old man as he walked by, strutting his naked stuff, as others just threw hateful glares. Still, either way, Morty felt uncomfortable by all the hungry lustful looks he was given.

And especially by the few that shouted comments like 'You destroy that ass for me, human!'

It didn't take too long until Rick and Morty found their buddies. Already dressed and washed up- and Bird Person holding the scientist's missing possessions.

"You did well with your victory over this strange but exciting mating competition." Bird Person paused. "We are also happy you were able to retrieve your grandson."

Squanchy was all smiles as he jumped to high five the human.

"You kidding me? You SQUANCHED the competition." The cat alien turned to Morty as he nudged his side playfully. "You see that, kid? That's why nobody squanches with your ol' gramps here."

"Haha, you got that right!" Rick interrupted, before tossing the keys to Morty. "Here, get the car ready to go. I've got something I need to take care of." And he casually turned and walked down a nearby hallway,

After the things Morty had seen that day, he had no desire to ask what his grandpa needed to take care of. It seemed that Bird Person, Squanchy, and the oddly quiet Mr. Poopybutthole were just as ready to get off this planet as he was, so the four of them left and piled into the car and waited in awkward silence.

The wait wasn't long, but awkward silence has a way of making even a minute feel like an eternity. The four of them greeted Rick enthusiastically when he finally returned, and climbed into the passenger seat.

"Alright, let's get the hell out of here." All of Rick's good cheer had vanished, it seemed. He seemed tired, used up, and worst of all, sober. They took off into the sky, that dreaded silence settling over the vehicle once again as they ascended into space.

They had travelled a few hundred feet in silence when Morty's burning curiosity got the better of him.

"Uh, so… what… what WERE you doing back there, anyway?"

Rick, who had been staring out the window, raised his unibrow as he listed to the boring question. He rolled his eyes.

"Pfft, wouldn't you like to know. Can't a guy just do his own business without somebody trying to put their nose in it?" A pause. "Say, Morty…"

"Uh, yes Rick?"

"See that button on that dashboard? The red one."

"This one?"

"That's orange, you color blind fuck. The OTHER red one, Jesus Christ Morty. Just push it, wouldja?"

Morty did as he was told, and quickly found himself swerving the vehicle to a stop as a huge explosion erupted from the ship that had kidnapped them. Morty watched in horror as space was lit up in a fiery destruction almost like fireworks of doom. As the fire began to clear, what remained of the destroyed ship looked like a giant hand with the middle finger flipping them off. The teenager slowly turned his head to his grandfather as he saw that slightest quiver of a smirk on his face.

"Yo, Squanchy.' Rick finally said, the most jovial Morty had seen him all night. "Give me a beer. _We still have a guy's night to finish._ "

 **THE END**


End file.
